Becoming Bi-lingual: An Essay on Worth and Numbers

A very wise woman I know often says this: “Your worth is not dictated by a number.” It’s become a provocative voice of hope in a seemingly abysmal sea of numbers: weight, GPA, class attendance, income, years of schooling, calories consumed, hours of education, budgets, years of experience, number of sexual partners, countries visited, number of kids, social media followers, blog posts, sales goals, hours worked, pounds lifted. Phew. Just reading those back gives me heart palpitations. 300 beats per minute, to be exact. Just kidding. That would be crazy.

Everyone of you reading has felt subject to at least one, possibly ALL of these telling numbers. And what they’re telling you is that you’re not worth it. I know this because I fall prey to the numbers monster everyday. I check tweets, followers, emails, class averages, job boards and how many workouts I’ve done for the week. I listen to the raucous babble of our leaders at work, in the government and in the media, and keep hearing one thing: MORE, MORE, MORE.

This breaks down to one, simple question: Do you measure up?

Our society is built on measurable results. If you don’t produce the desired numbers, you’re tossed. I realize that, from a business perspective, there has to be budgets and goals to stay afloat, but, the question that gnaws at me is what about the heart?

This question became crystalline a few weeks ago when my husband applied to grad school. He is a brave, brave man, whom I admire for putting his own heart on the conveyer belt of numbers. This isn’t his first time applying, and won’t be his first time being rejected. He wasn’t the greatest of students for a couple years in college. Personal struggles lead to a serious fight to even finish his degree. He did finish, and vowed he wouldn’t go back. Until last year.

When he approached me about applying again for a Master’s degree, I completely supported him, knowing that the numbers game would begin. He even contacted heads of the program to discuss if he had a shot considering his GPA. He was politely told that they are very firm in their GPA policy, but that he could be graced with acceptance upon taking more classes to raise his GPA, by less than 1 point. I took this as a silver lining, then, got really frustrated.

I know how hard this man has worked to become the person he is today, the WHOLE person. He has maintained a job within the same company for 8 years, worked tirelessly to provide for his family, make a livable wage and find physical and emotional wellbeing (if that isn't worthy, I don't know what is, but I digress). In his process, he’s shifted. Yep, a human that changed his mind (what treachery!!), and decided he did want to continue his education. Except that he’s not allowed, and it feels like a big ‘ol spit wad to the eye because it’s all about the numbers. He doesn’t measure up.

No grace, no understanding, no consideration of the WHOLE person, and the story that brought him here.

I realize it’s not some admissions person’s job to validate the 30-something man, or woman, that doesn’t qualify. But somewhere along the line, we’ve all bought into this game. We’ve all, on some level, started to believe that our worth IS dictated by the numbers, that we don’t deserve a genuine, “How are you doing”, or, even a second chance. And why would we believe anything else when our wiser, stronger, more mature selves are told, “No Thanks,” because of a number?

Here’s what I keep thinking: my heart, my story, my recovery, my strength cannot be measured. The things that really matter in life have no measurable results.

This is equally liberating and terrifying.

When I came to the realization that I have a fire, wisdom and grace that no employer could recognize, but only I could acknowledge, it was empowering. It was also really heartbreaking. I may not get a job, or keep a job, or be accepted to a school because my heart doesn’t speak in numbers. My heart may be talking, or even screaming, “I’VE GOT THIS,” but numbers and hearts have yet to develop a Rosetta Stone for translation. Only we can recognize that our heart worth is more valuable than our net worth.

I still struggle with the numbers. They are a daily reality. We can’t ignore them if we’re going to keep providing for our families and navigating this crazy world. BUT, we can wake up each morning, stamp our feet into this bold ground and learn the language of our hearts, even when the numbers speak a foreign tongue. 

When I was handed my performance review yesterday, that literally said, “MEASURABLE RESULTS” at the top, I smiled at my manager, folded it neatly into my purse and said under my breath, “My worth will not be dictated by a number.”